Self-World Barrier
This is what I was thinking about today whilst walking down the hill to work.
Most of the time when I am particularly tired, but also at various other times, I will be existing pretty much inside my head, without interacting with or receiving much input from the outside world.
These are a couple of examples:
When I am walking to or from work, or really anywhere, I am sometimes completely unaware of my surroundings. I don't notice anything, but still get where I am going on auto-pilot. I am looking at the ground in from of my feet, but not really LOOKING because I don't notice anything that I see - I assume some part of my brain is checking for obstacles or something.
My eyes aren't focused at this stage; everything is blurry. Sometimes I look around and I still am mainly in my head rather than "out there" so my eyes remain unfocused - everything is blurrier than normal and I still don't see anything any more than a cursory survey of my surroundings.
Sometimes I notice this withdrawl from the world and try and pull myself out a bit; perhaps I don't REALLY want to miss the pleasant walk through the trees for example: I feel that it is not healthy to not be living in the moment in the world. To pull myself "out" I start to try and focus on things, to try and get my eyes interacting with the world. I pick things out and look at them deliberately. Then I feel a bit more involved in my surroundings.
A harder barrier to break is presented by speech. I might be thinking things to say, but instead of saying them they just get said in my head and then float away. Although I'd like the person I'm with to know what I'm "saying", speaking them in my head seems to be enough for me when I am in this state whereas at other times I like to tell everyone everything. Also, my desire to not speak is stronger than my need to communicate. I even let more important statements drift away after thinking them rather than saying them. Whereas I can start to look and listen and think about the world rather than being absorbed in thoughts relatively easily, speaking is a far larger barrier. If I speak, it completely breaks the insular state: something I often don't really want to do. It is actually interestingly like being asleep/waking up. When I am partially awake, I can have my eyes open and be thinking, but focusing my eyes on the real world tends to bring me out of my sleep state.
Speaking deliberately when I am asleep forcibly wakes me up. Normally when I get up in the morning I will also not want to speak for quite a while, experiencing the same barrier as previously described. Nothing prevents me from speaking in these cases, but there is pressure to remain silent; like water tension that must be broken through. One also can't really break through the final barrier and then just go back behind it again. So - paying more attention to the world brings me further into it from within myself - like floating up closer to the surface, closer to the barrier between me and the world, and I can move and do activities while in myself without passing through the barrier, but speaking smashes it and moves to a whole new existence.
Extra notes on this: making noises like "mmm" or whatever DON'T necessarily break the barrier, whether I am asleep (so I can deliberately make the noise and still remain mostly asleep) or in insular mode. So it annoys me when people require words sometimes and I have to break the barrier just because they can't interpret a grunt. Vague gestures also don't break it. I'm not sure if sign language does or not. So I don't know if it is symbol based communication that breaks it, or speech. I'm not sure about writing either, so I don't know if it is the result of verbal words or all words.
When I am at social events that I can't get away from, for example a pot luck dinner for a group I am part of, I often want to have time to myself somehow. I can't leave, or I don't want to actually fully leave and go home yet, but I have to stop interacting and have time to myself. Sitting and staring at the floor usually attracts unwanted attention, so a good cover is to eat something or drink something.
At the last event I was at, I sat in the middle of the room on some chairs (which was oddly the least crowded area, and being in the centre attracts less concerned and disturbing attention than being at the edges) with a plate and a cup of tea, and withdrew into myself and thought absolutely nothing as far as I am aware (as opposed to the previous example which often involves thinking) while also being completely unaware of my surroundings, visually and aurally and spatially. I absolutely felt that I was only in my head as I was not aware of any sounds or sights and did not have the awareness of being in a room or that other people were present. I felt like I was in a much smaller empty space, or in no space at all.
Contrast the initial, walking example with what happens at other times when I walk places. I will still normally be looking at the ground and I will still probably not see you if I walk past you. But instead of being oblivious to all surroundings, I am focusing on them, or at least noticing them while discarding a lot of information (as I don't remember everything I saw). I see the wood of the floor, how that bit is darker, how the bricks are there, some bricks are different colours, that one is cracked, here is the door, there is the sun reflecting off that car, that man is wearing a nice jacket, the cafe is dark, I saw a fly, there is the rubbish bin, there is a rubber band on the ground, that man has shiny shoes, there is a crack in the pavement, there is a dandelion, I like that tree, the stones on that building are a pretty colour... And so on and so on.
I probably won't see you if you walk past me because although it looks like I am looking right at you I am actually looking at the thing behind you. Or maybe I am looking at you, but only at the nice coat you are wearing; I haven't actually seen the rest of you. I've had this happen a lot in the building at work - people say hello and I don't know who they are because I am looking at some article of clothing they are wearing... until it occurs to me to look at their face and then I know who they are after all :)
Some people say that fidgeting helps them concentrate. I find it useful myself as an anchor to the world - something I have often had the idea of, but only fully realised now. It is a bit of a double-edged sword though. If I am listening in a meeting or something like that, the act of listening is sometimes not a sufficient link to the world so I easily end up thinking about something else without realising it.
Trying to actively listen doesn't help; it makes what the person is saying incomprehensible instead. But if I am doodling, for instance, that is an action in the real-world (and also incorporates visual input) which helps to stop me drifting away in thought if I keep part of my focus on it. The problem is that if I apply too much focus then the action takes over my whole mind and I become completely unaware of my surroundings again until I come out of it.
I assume that being unaware of other sights and sounds is a natural part of focusing; you can't very well concentrate on something whilst paying attention to everything around you at the same time. The interesting thing is how the world shrinks to only include you and the activity and everything else ceases to exist.
So, what do you think? Does this all make sense to you, or is it weird?
Most of the time when I am particularly tired, but also at various other times, I will be existing pretty much inside my head, without interacting with or receiving much input from the outside world.
These are a couple of examples:
When I am walking to or from work, or really anywhere, I am sometimes completely unaware of my surroundings. I don't notice anything, but still get where I am going on auto-pilot. I am looking at the ground in from of my feet, but not really LOOKING because I don't notice anything that I see - I assume some part of my brain is checking for obstacles or something.
My eyes aren't focused at this stage; everything is blurry. Sometimes I look around and I still am mainly in my head rather than "out there" so my eyes remain unfocused - everything is blurrier than normal and I still don't see anything any more than a cursory survey of my surroundings.
Sometimes I notice this withdrawl from the world and try and pull myself out a bit; perhaps I don't REALLY want to miss the pleasant walk through the trees for example: I feel that it is not healthy to not be living in the moment in the world. To pull myself "out" I start to try and focus on things, to try and get my eyes interacting with the world. I pick things out and look at them deliberately. Then I feel a bit more involved in my surroundings.
A harder barrier to break is presented by speech. I might be thinking things to say, but instead of saying them they just get said in my head and then float away. Although I'd like the person I'm with to know what I'm "saying", speaking them in my head seems to be enough for me when I am in this state whereas at other times I like to tell everyone everything. Also, my desire to not speak is stronger than my need to communicate. I even let more important statements drift away after thinking them rather than saying them. Whereas I can start to look and listen and think about the world rather than being absorbed in thoughts relatively easily, speaking is a far larger barrier. If I speak, it completely breaks the insular state: something I often don't really want to do. It is actually interestingly like being asleep/waking up. When I am partially awake, I can have my eyes open and be thinking, but focusing my eyes on the real world tends to bring me out of my sleep state.
Speaking deliberately when I am asleep forcibly wakes me up. Normally when I get up in the morning I will also not want to speak for quite a while, experiencing the same barrier as previously described. Nothing prevents me from speaking in these cases, but there is pressure to remain silent; like water tension that must be broken through. One also can't really break through the final barrier and then just go back behind it again. So - paying more attention to the world brings me further into it from within myself - like floating up closer to the surface, closer to the barrier between me and the world, and I can move and do activities while in myself without passing through the barrier, but speaking smashes it and moves to a whole new existence.
Extra notes on this: making noises like "mmm" or whatever DON'T necessarily break the barrier, whether I am asleep (so I can deliberately make the noise and still remain mostly asleep) or in insular mode. So it annoys me when people require words sometimes and I have to break the barrier just because they can't interpret a grunt. Vague gestures also don't break it. I'm not sure if sign language does or not. So I don't know if it is symbol based communication that breaks it, or speech. I'm not sure about writing either, so I don't know if it is the result of verbal words or all words.
When I am at social events that I can't get away from, for example a pot luck dinner for a group I am part of, I often want to have time to myself somehow. I can't leave, or I don't want to actually fully leave and go home yet, but I have to stop interacting and have time to myself. Sitting and staring at the floor usually attracts unwanted attention, so a good cover is to eat something or drink something.
At the last event I was at, I sat in the middle of the room on some chairs (which was oddly the least crowded area, and being in the centre attracts less concerned and disturbing attention than being at the edges) with a plate and a cup of tea, and withdrew into myself and thought absolutely nothing as far as I am aware (as opposed to the previous example which often involves thinking) while also being completely unaware of my surroundings, visually and aurally and spatially. I absolutely felt that I was only in my head as I was not aware of any sounds or sights and did not have the awareness of being in a room or that other people were present. I felt like I was in a much smaller empty space, or in no space at all.
Contrast the initial, walking example with what happens at other times when I walk places. I will still normally be looking at the ground and I will still probably not see you if I walk past you. But instead of being oblivious to all surroundings, I am focusing on them, or at least noticing them while discarding a lot of information (as I don't remember everything I saw). I see the wood of the floor, how that bit is darker, how the bricks are there, some bricks are different colours, that one is cracked, here is the door, there is the sun reflecting off that car, that man is wearing a nice jacket, the cafe is dark, I saw a fly, there is the rubbish bin, there is a rubber band on the ground, that man has shiny shoes, there is a crack in the pavement, there is a dandelion, I like that tree, the stones on that building are a pretty colour... And so on and so on.
I probably won't see you if you walk past me because although it looks like I am looking right at you I am actually looking at the thing behind you. Or maybe I am looking at you, but only at the nice coat you are wearing; I haven't actually seen the rest of you. I've had this happen a lot in the building at work - people say hello and I don't know who they are because I am looking at some article of clothing they are wearing... until it occurs to me to look at their face and then I know who they are after all :)
Some people say that fidgeting helps them concentrate. I find it useful myself as an anchor to the world - something I have often had the idea of, but only fully realised now. It is a bit of a double-edged sword though. If I am listening in a meeting or something like that, the act of listening is sometimes not a sufficient link to the world so I easily end up thinking about something else without realising it.
Trying to actively listen doesn't help; it makes what the person is saying incomprehensible instead. But if I am doodling, for instance, that is an action in the real-world (and also incorporates visual input) which helps to stop me drifting away in thought if I keep part of my focus on it. The problem is that if I apply too much focus then the action takes over my whole mind and I become completely unaware of my surroundings again until I come out of it.
I assume that being unaware of other sights and sounds is a natural part of focusing; you can't very well concentrate on something whilst paying attention to everything around you at the same time. The interesting thing is how the world shrinks to only include you and the activity and everything else ceases to exist.
So, what do you think? Does this all make sense to you, or is it weird?
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